So mad I could scream

This has definately been hardest on Brennen. For him, Wade isn't "daddy", he's his step father. He was real little when Wade and I got together,and Wade was a whole lot different then. I leave the other two out of things, but Brennen packs around with me a lot and sometimes overhears things from my friends that I'd rather he didn't. But at 10, he's also aware enough of what Wade is doing to lose alot of respect for him. Brennen's his mother's boy through and through. Has alot of the same interests as me, likes the same colors of horses and even likes the hunter green everything we have in the barn, unlike his sister and brother who have to ruin my color scheme with hot pink and blue. lol. I hate to see him upset about all this. Taegan is oblivious to it all, but that's her noral state of being. and Sean at 4 is more interested in shooting you with toy pistols than whats going on with the grownups.
I have some skills. I do all the biling and records for our gravel hauling business. But I'm looking into schooling. I was thinking nursing, x-ray or lab tech, or another option I'm looking at is a course about Equine AI. Then I could work with horses as well as do something I already have some knowledge in. When I get the info from the schools I'll take a hard look and make a decision as to which I apply for.
Wade and I almost split a few years ago, and he has said that if I took over the payments, I could have the farm. The current mortgage is one payment a year in the fall, I think and well within what I could afford, after all, around here you can buy a 1/4 section of land, with a 3 bedroom house, small barn and some outbuildings, all fenced, for $80 grand.
But Wade isn't really around that much. During the winter, he works in the oilfields of northern Alberta. Great pay and only home 5 days a month, tops. Closer to spring it might be 6-8 weeks between seeing him. So during that time I have the run of the place. He expects everything to be tip top shape when he comes home, and I am NOT the greatest house keeper, much rather be in the barn, thank you.
Oh, I got to use his truck last night. Some friends came over with this reining horse guy and I was going to take him and TwoEyedChelly out to look at my weanlings and yearlings. I headed towards my truck and Wade quickly offered his. Chelly figured he didn't want the horse guy to realize that he makes me drive the truck with no brakes. I think she's right. Good thing too. I would have got my poor old boy good and stuck. We got over 2 inches of rain here between Friday night and yesterday afternoon.
Anyway, This is getting real long. I really appreciate all the help and support. I can honestly say it has helped me, and has been just what I needed. Thanks guys.

Reiningfan, I hope you didn't think that I was pushing you to do whatever... sorry, if anyone thought that. It took me years before I had enough courage to take off and leave... I had two friends that stood beside me and helped - that's always a plus, and I think or at least hope you know you have a lot of friends here that will be supportive in whichever way you choose.

I know that Rick and I often talk about how much time we've wasted all those years - we try not to talk in specifics, because it'll get me all riled up again... HA! However, both of us were at fault in some things... but only some things... HA!

My friends and I have always laughed that I'm making my boys to be a good wife to somebody...they should be able to do everything I do, plus all the guy stuff, too. Trent's not so good on cooking; Dillon's not so good on laundry, but they're learning...

One way or another, though, when you come out of this, whichever way it is, I can promise you, you'll be a ton stronger for it!

You tell Brennen to be strong, it'll get better!

HUM, seems most of us can relate.. I think this was a great thread. Gave some a chance to mention some times that were not so happy in their lives. Most of us have had those times and some still have them coming. And, truth be known no one here has really given up the whole story.. We know who we are....

The way I go through life is you get one go around. If it's something bringing you down and you cannot live this way change it. If it's something you can live with then do it. But, never give up yourself for no one or anything. I would never want to look back at an old age and not able to take care of myself and say I Wish I had ________. That will never happen to me.. No matter how hard it is sometimes..

I am glad you felt enough of us to share and let us share.. I think that really is what women are about and how we get by sometimes.. I know it sure helps me to have someone to through that stuff out to and listen to what they have to say about it. And, it also makes me not feel so alone when I an hurting.. Thanks

Reiningfan, I'm hearing ya. I think the only reason we stayed together as long as we did, was because he was gone all the time... HA! Just extremely stressful when he came home - extremely stressful! He's been back since oh, this past October or November, and sometimes that becomes stressful - mostly because of the remote control - plus he worry warts me, if you know what I mean...but as I've gotten older, I try not to worry about the little stuff (which Rick doesn't get), but worry about the bigger picture.

I know how hard it is, when you're running the place, the kids and everything, you and the kids have got your own thing going; he comes back, and totally messes up the whole gosh-darned thing, and all of a sudden, it's oh, crapola, the King is back and now we're subjects - or at least that's the way we felt.

There comes a time in everyone's life, when they're not happy, they're being demeaned, being beaten down mentally, you lose self-respect because of another person's attitude. If you're there, you need to do something; if you're not, then I hope you don't wait till that point - that was very hard for me to come out of.

At some point you think... criminey, life's got to be better than this. That's the point when you start making plans. You keep your mouth shut, you work from point A to point B, then point B to point C, etc. If that's what you're intending to do. Otherwise, it's send the kids to grandma's, and hands on hips, and head-to-toe comes into play...

I can't tell you what to do, because although it sounds like you're in the exact same type of situation I was in, in a lot of ways worse, I can only advise you if you want to go certain directions, to not make some of the same mistakes I did. For example, if you decide to leave, please have more than $20 to your name! HA! I don't beat around the bush.. never have. Usually I take and take, and then explode, which isn't good either.

A good rule for all women to live by is, whatever you have, make gosh-danged sure you can afford it on your own, or at least can survive.

A good friend of mine lost her husband, who had no life insurance, nothing put up, absolutely zero... and she is struggling, and it just breaks my heart. To add on top that she's now fixing to start having to take care of her disabled mother...the stuff on her plate is probably even more than I could handle... so be PREPARED!

Ok now I will say something....

I was married 19 and 1/2 years the first time. He had 5 affairs that I can put names to. I wont mention the other things that happened in those 19 years, the affairs were the nice parts. But I will say that you can allow yourself to be controlled. And someone that is suppose to care for you so much and you care for, you trust and it takes awhile to figure things out. The important thing is to figure it out for yourself. And what is best for you and your family AI Children. I had heard so much for so long that no one would want me because I had chilren that I believed it. Nope not true!

Now as far as schooling, There are plenty of programs for single Moms. As well as free daycare threw school programs check into this. You can get paid for going to school. Check in to that as well. If you dont finish you have to pay it back, if you do. You dont have to pay it back. Also you can have him pay for maintence, and daycare. Im not saying leave him. No way, but do some planning, check into state and fed programs. You have more options then you think.

Let him find a few pamplets laying around. Let him know, there is life after marriage. Heck let him know your taking a night class and he will have to babysit on such and such an evening. Send him a message. Maybe the smoke will clear enough to get a message threw! Theres always rough spots here and there. Just depends if both parties are willing to work at it. But it does take both of you, one can't do it alone.

PS I been married now for 10 years and having a ball. Hes great and the best part is, he thinks I am too. Didn't have that before, My X thought he was great and no one else was.. Now hes married to someone that has been married 5 times, and hes not happy, and he'll have to stay where he is at, because he cant afford to start over, Boo Hoooo. Have another beer! Sucker!